Misery and Miracles

I have been debating whether to share this experience on my blog with all of you. But I figured that I would since I'd like to believe if you're reading this that you care about me and want to hear about what's going on in my life. This experience/trial has brought on many emotions and so I think it might help to get it off my chest. Here it goes:

For the past two or three months I have been getting a lot of clogged/plugged ducts(Definition: Plugged Ducts and Infections - a plugged duct can occur when one or more areas of the breast are not draining well. It may feel like a tender lump or a knotty hard spot.). I cannot explain how uncomfortable and painful they have been. It hurts to put on a seat belt, it hurts to pick up Parker, it hurts to be touched, I have a hard time sleeping since I sleep from side to side, I am simply miserable when I have this blockage! I tried many things to make the pain go away, but it seemed like no matter what I did the pain and discomfort lasted about 24 hours and then went away. It's been on one side at a time and then it will just move on over to the other side. Sometimes I have as many as three clogged ducts in a week! I cannot count how many times this has happened in the past few months.

On Tuesday night, I started to have severe shooting pains. It felt like someone was sticking a needles in me. OUCH!! On Wednesday morning the pain was still awful and was on both sides. I couldn't help but cry, it hurt so badly. Darrin told me to go to the doctors which I was really grateful for. We try not to go unless we really need to.

The doctor (Dr. Nielson-my OB who delivered Parker) asked me some questions and examined me. He told me that I have a TON of milk. That it's rare that someone with an almost 8 month old baby even has this much milk at one time. He also guessed that my milk is really thick and that would be contributing to the reoccurring clogged ducts. It's called milk overproduction. I am constantly getting engorged and that's what causes the clogged ducts. I had never really thought about it before but I am "full" A LOT. I thought it was just normal, that everyone experienced this, but apparently it's not normal, especially for someone with a baby Parker's age. I am always complaining about it. We figured out that the clogged ducts started happening once I started feeding Parker solids 3 times a day. He said that normally when you start feeding your baby less, you produce less milk, but I didn't. My body has continued to produce a whole lot of milk, making engorgement, clogged ducts and pain a reoccurring thing for me.

So, my options were these: Pump all throughout the day in addition to feeding Parker OR stop breastfeeding altogether. I asked him the question of "If I pumped in addition to feeding Parker wouldn't I get even MORE milk?!" and he answered saying, "you already have a TON of milk-I don't think it'll make it worse." Dr. Nielson leaned toward the option of telling me to stop breastfeeding. He said that based on how much pain I had been having, it would probably be the best option. He also kept reassuring me that I'm not a bad mother if I chose that. But that I had made it to 8 months and that's a huge accomplishment. He also said that the first 4 months of a babies life are the most crucial to receive breast milk as they are still building their immune system and need the extra antibodies that formula cannot provide.

Then I told Dr. Nielson that Parker does not take a bottle. He has REFUSED to take one the last few months. He all the sudden decided that the bottle just wasn't for him. He's gone twice for 8 plus hours without eating because he would not take a bottle and I wasn't there to feed him. We've attempted several times since then and he simply will not. My mother in law has tried, Darrin has tried while I've been out of the house, I have tried, we've tried different bottles, different formulas, pumped milk. I feel like we've tried it all when it comes to trying to get Parker to take a bottle. Just a couple weeks ago my sweet mother in law had to feed Parker with a syringe because he wouldn't take a bottle. That boy is stubborn! Dr. Nilson said what I thought he'd say, but hoped he wouldn't say, "trust me, when he gets hungry enough, he will take a bottle!"

It was a really emotional, tough decision for me. But when it came down to it, Darrin and I both felt that the option to stop breastfeeding Parker was the right decision based on how much pain and discomfort I'd been going through the past few months. But even though this option just felt right to us, I have had so many thoughts of,
'What will people think?',
'am I a bad mother for doing this??'
'Parker loves breastfeeding! I would feel so bad for him!'
'I enjoy breastfeeding Parker, and I enjoy the bonding time we have together while he eats. I enjoy that those are times that I am the only one he can come to. I enjoy cuddling with him during this time. I enjoy that it's an obvious expression he has on his sweet little face that tells me he loves me and tells me he's enjoying himself.'
'I enjoy the amazement I experience when I think of how amazing it is that my body is capable of this.'
SO many thoughts blazing through my mind! But the thought that it was wonderful while it lasted and this was the right thing to do overpowered the rest.

It's been a really emotional few days (sorry Darrin and Parker!)! The doc told me that the best way for me to stop was cold turkey. This being because my body wasn't recognizing me trying to just "slow down". So it would be best to stop all together. I am now at 42 hours of not breastfeeding. I am miserable. I've been trying to stay on top of Ibuprofen for the pain, I've tried cold cabbage leaves (most common suggestion), and Ice packs. Ice packs have been the most helpful as it helps to numb me. But everything hurts including picking Parker up, holding Parker, etc. Dr. Nielson said the miserable pain would last about 4 days and then go away. We'll see.

The last time breastfeeding Parker, I prayed to my loving Heavenly Father that he would help Parker to be able to accept the bottle. I told Him that I was so afraid to have both of us miserable and I hate to see my baby so sad and confused. I begged and pleaded and thanked Him for the beautiful opportunity that He has blessed me with to feed my baby for this long. I ended as we are told to that all of this was in His will and I recognized that even if it took Parker a while to take the bottle, Heavenly Father would sent love and comfort to my home.

The time rolled around and it was time for Parker to eat again just before bed. I asked Darrin to take on the task. A MIRACLE took place in our home. Parker simply took the bottle in his chubby little hands and began to drink ALL BY HIMSELF!! I could NOT believe my eyes. My heart was full of thanks and I felt God's love for me as an individual. He has continued to take the bottle and is doing SO well with it.

Although I am certain to get comments from people about how much decision was wrong, both Darrin and I feel good about our decision as a family and we are excited to get past this pain! I'm so grateful for the love that I've seen! My closest friend from the ward came over this morning and brought me over a surprise (see picture below of red poster)! I am so thankful to have such wonderful friends and family who support me. Even though I'm miserable at the moment, as my husband keeps reminding me (thank you sweetie!) it is TEMPORARY! I can get through this painful trial!