Things

I have been debating and wondering how I could write this post. You see, I haven't wanted to be insensitive to my dear sister, Heidi. There are no words. I don't know how to properly write about happy things when something so sad and tragic has happened in our family. My sweet nephew, Linkin, passed away. And Spencer had a birthday. It doesn't seem fair! So I will try and record all my feelings somehow...

Let me start out by saying that my sister, Heidi, is THE best Mother in the whole world. Her kids are her world! She is constantly focused on teaching them, playing with them, taking them to fun and exciting things, singing the songs she wrote for each of them, cooking, cleaning, taking pictures to capture every moment and just being this spiritual butterfly that everyone can see. I strive to be like her and have for a very long time! I love my big sister so much!

Last Tuesday afternoon, Heidi put 4 and a half month old Linkin down for his nap. Two hours later she went to check on him since he'd been sleeping so soundly. He had rolled over and was blue. She called 911 and frantically started CPR. There was nothing she nor the paramedics could do. He was gone. Just gone.

This is the same Linkin that I posted about Here and Here. He had been so sick from birth but then through many answers to prayers he was "CURED!". He was HOME! He was PERFECT! He was HEALTHY! And then this happened. To our knowledge, it had nothing to do with his low blood sugar condition.

I was in shock. I could not imagine my sister going through this. I could not help putting myself in her shoes. I wanted to hold my nephew. I wanted to hold my sister. I wanted to DO SOMETHING! I wanted to BE THERE for her! I was hysterical. Parker kept saying, "Are you sad Mom?" I just held Parker and Spencer and rocked back and forth screaming, "NO! My sister should not have to go through this! No! This is not right, after all they've been through! No..." Darrin came right home when I called him. When he got home we sat down together to talk to Parker about why we were so sad. Parker knew what had happened. He must have overheard me on the phone.

Kids are such a wonderful example of Faith. I noticed it in little Parker but I also saw such great courage and faith in my three nieces who had just lost their brother. They know that he's ok. They know that he's with Heavenly Father and Jesus. They aren't sad because they just KNOW they will see him again.

I wanted to be with Heidi and her family but I didn't want to be in the way! She lives in Cedar City and I didn't want to show up if she just wanted to be left alone. And like I said before, I wanted to DO SOMETHING. I thought about flowers or a card but nothing seemed enough. And then the idea came to make her a book all about Link. I got right to work. I wanted the book to be in her hands as soon as possible. For then, maybe she could have this piece of him to hold and look through any time she was missing him (I ended up choosing SnapFish to make the book). I still yearned to be with her even though it was helping to be busy making the book. And then after talking with Heidi's friend who had lost her twins, I knew I had to leave as soon as possible to be there. I asked if it was OK, and Heidi said she'd love to see me. So, after I finished and ordered the book and Darrin got off work, we were off to Cedar City.

It was so hard to see Heidi and her husband, Jason, in so much pain. They were exhausted. It hurt to know that my sister was not only in emotional disarray, but physical as she did not have a baby to nurse. I am going through weaning Spencer and know how it feels but cannot imagine going through it in these circumstances. My poor sister!

Cindy, Tiffany and myself got to work on some projects that needed to be done before the funeral which would be on Saturday. It felt good to be there and to be of use. It felt so right to be there with my family and to try and help Heidi and Jason even if it wasn't much. It was an emotional and exhausting three days that we were there in Cedar City, but it was also full of being close to my family and close to the spirit which brought comfort and peace.

A MIRACLE happened when we were there. I ordered the book on Wednesday afternoon. I chose two day shipping in hopes that it could be there for the funeral. But I forgot to account for processing time which is 3-5 days. I spoke with the company to see if there was any possible way to get the book by Friday so that we could have it. They said sorry, but that it wasn't physically possible to get it there in 1.5 days. I prayed that the book would arrive somehow. I wanted Heidi to see it. I wanted her to have this little something from me that she could always remember Link with. I wanted people at the funeral to be able to read about his story and to see his sweet memories. THE BOOK SHOWED UP AT HEIDI'S HOUSE ON FRIDAY! How? The only explanation I have is that we have a loving Heavenly Father who is watching out for us! I'm so grateful.

The funeral was beautiful. I don't know how you could be there for it and not have a testimony of the gospel and of the Plan of Salvation. The spirit was so strong and clear.

I am a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason". While this doesn't always bring enough comfort, it brings some. I believe that my nephew has a mission that only he can complete and it's not on earth. I know that Heavenly Father knows each and every one of us and he knows our desires and our needs. Heidi and Jason have several friends that have lost children before them. I believe that God was preparing them in some way for what was to come. They have a wonderful support through those friends. The only people on earth that can really relate to them 100%. They have family, friends and a wonderful ward that are there for them. We love their family and I know that God will communicate to us through the spirit of how we can best help them and be there for them. I believe that Link will be our families guardian angel. He especially will watch out for and comfort his parents and his three sisters. I believe that it was a GIFT from Heavenly Father to be able to know him for four and a half months! He clearly came to earth for a short time to receive a body and God could have easily taken him through his sickness from birth. But he first gave Heidi and Jason time to be with Link ONE ON ONE in the hospital for so long. I'd imagine that when you have a fourth child, you don't usually get much one on one time with the baby. But they had this time with him and what a blessing that time turned out to be! A blessing in disguise! And then as a family they got to enjoy him as a cured, healthy little boy.

Heidi, I know you'll be reading this. I want you to know how much I LOVE YOU! I am so proud of you with how you have handled this. You are the STRONGEST person I know. I look up to you so much! I am happy that you have a testimony of the atonement and you know that our Savior is there! He will carry you when you are weak. He will be there. And I am so grateful that you have such an incredible ROCK of a husband that is there for you. And you are there for him. I am also here for you no matter what you need! Link was so lucky to have you as his Mommy and I know it will be an amazing reunion in the end! I love you sister!



One of the many lessons I personally have learned from this experience is to HOLD YOUR LOVED ONES CLOSE! Squeeze them tighter. Live each day as if it could be your last. I feel like I have a greater appreciation for my boys. I am so grateful to have each day I have with them! I love them so much and cherish our time together.

Spencer turned one on Easter. He is so much fun to have around. It's really interesting to me how different Spencer and Parker really are and I'm noticing that more and more as Spencer grows! Spencer is a TOTAL MOMMA'S BOY! I feel like Parker was really self-entertaining from the beginning. Spencer needs more attention, more loves, and more "JUST HOLD ME!" time. Spencer has been a lot more mobile from a much earlier age than Parker was. He wants to be wherever I am. Parker LOVED balls at Spencer's age (he still does!) and Spencer really doesn't care much about them. Parker has always loved being outside. Spencer HATES the feel of grass! Spencer has always been skinny and Parker was always a chunk. The list goes on :). But here are some tidbits about the new-to-the-age-of-one boy of mine:

-His communications include: Uh-Oh, Ma-Ma, making the sound of cars when he drives them, pick me up (reaching and crying), laughing and smiling at lots of things to tell us he's happy and likes it, and just whining until he gets what he wants. Haha. Not many but I'm sure it'll just get more and more!
-I'd say his favorite toy would be a car. He loves crawling around pushing cars!
-His smile includes 4 teeth.
-He loves it when his Daddy gets home from work and gives him the BIGGEST grins!
-He loves playing with Parker! Whenever Parker hears Spencer wake up from a nap he runs into Spencer's room and they play for a while before Spencer begs to get out of his crib. And Parker is always asking Spencer to go in his room to play with him. It's the cutest thing. A lot of the time Spencer will go with him and they'll play. They don't always play nicely, but I do love when they play together!
-Spencer loves to get into trouble! He does lots of things he knows are "No-No's" like standing up in his high-chair. He is a HOUDINI! We buckle him and he finds a way out. Same goes for shopping carts. He likes to play in toilets and garages too. Gross Spence!
-At Spencer's ONE YEAR APPOINTMENT he weighed 18lbs. 3oz. (10%) and measured 30" (50%). Skinny kid! His pants NEVER stay on him!
-He usually takes 2-3 naps a day still
-Right now we're weaning Spencer off of breastfeeding. It's been rough and he's not too happy about it. But he finally grasped the concept of drinking whole milk out of a sippy cup and he'll take that sometimes.
-Depending on the day Spencer is a fairly picky eater. He has to look at everything before it goes in his mouth and some things he'll just refuse without even trying it first.
-Spencer loves to pretend to talk on the phone. He'll put a phone, a calculator or even his hand up to his ear and start "Talking". It's hilarious.

We love having him around and are so grateful for each and every day with him! Happy Birthday Spence!