I really thought I was having a girl. Here were some convincing factors for me: This pregnancy felt different (the sickness was different (morning rather than all day), I have had more acne, I was having dreams it was a girl, Parker "knew" it was a girl from day one and had a dream it was a girl and the heartbeat was faster than my other two (my midwife would say-"this just has to be a girl!" every time we listened to the heartbeat)).
Every time I would picture the baby growing inside me it was a girl.
That being said, the day of the big ultrasound approached and I was so psyched to find out! Obviously I knew that it could be a boy and TRIED my very best to prepare myself for that. The ultrasound began and I saw what I saw. I said, "that's a boy-isn't it!" and the tech said, "no that could very well be the umbilical cord". But I knew then that my 'fantasy' was over. Then when she went back to "the area" it was certain it was a boy indeed. Darrin squeezed my hand and looked over at me to see a tear rolling down my cheek.
I was a waterfall of tears when we left. Every time I'd get a call or text from someone trying to think of what to say to make me feel ok I'd cry again. Darrin didn't get it-he just didn't understand why I would be so sad-we are having a healthy baby! I told him I was giving myself that day to be sad and then I'd be fine.
It was just really hard to change all my thinking. My baby was not a girl-but a boy. I felt confused and to be frank, heartbroken. I am already outnumbered and now there would be 4 boys in the house and me. Growing up, when I'd imagine my future family it was filled with girls-probably because I have 3 sisters and we're all so close now! I have this desire to have another girl in the family to paint nails with, to relate to, to have boy talk, to dress up and accessorize. I felt guilt feeling any of these sad feelings because obviously I WILL LOVE THIS BOY WITH ALL MY HEART! But I could be sad this one day!
We had Darrin's family over for a gender reveal party that night and I had to completely re-do my makeup. Most of the guests were guessing it was a girl. Parker would tell everyone he was going to have a baby sister (he didn't know until we revealed to the whole family). Oh no-the tears were coming back-hurry-think of something else!
We went out and bought silly string in blue and removed the caps so the family couldn't tell the gender. Then we went outside and everyone sprayed. Parker was sad-and I felt like I really let him down. He said, "But Mom, I really wanted a sister."
Ahhhhh! So much emotion! The next day got a little easier and from then on out I've accepted it and moved on. MAYBE I will get my girl someday. And if not in this life-the next. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE having my boys! They seriously are so much fun to have around! So loving, thoughtful and brave! I wouldn't trade them in for a girl any day. Cars, balls and trying out new "tricks" has become my daily life. I love it! And I know that this little boy growing each day in my tummy will be such an amazing addition to our family. I feel so so so blessed to be able to have children and healthy ones at that! I cannot wait to meet this little man and compare his little features to Parker and Spencer. Parker is getting more used to the idea too. Especially when we went to visit a friend who just had her baby boy. He wanted to hold him and love him. On the way home he said, "Mom-I want my very own tiny baby brother!" I happily told him he'll be getting one! I will have all these boys around to help around the house and yard, to teach to respect the ladies,to witness them receiving the priesthood, going on missions and down the road I'll get wonderful daughter in laws! I truly do feel so blessed!
On a whole other note, I've been busy potty training Spencer, who turns two at the end of the month. Here are the reasons I started:
-He has been hating his diaper being dirty-asking to be changed often
-I thought Parker would be a huge help and Spencer would want to be just like Parker
-He likes to wash his hands
-I want to have him potty trained before the baby comes in August. To be completely potty trained takes time and the longer we have the more potty trained he can be by the time baby brother comes.
-I want to get it over with
-Darrin was supportive and said to go for it
-I've heard from many that the younger they are the easier it is so it becomes a habit and the easier they accept it.
I figured I'd just use the same method I did with Parker. I told him for a week that in a week his diapers would be all gone and he'd get to wear big boy underwear! Parker and I both often talked about him getting to be a big boy in big boy underwear. We watched "Potty Time" often and sang the songs. When the time came, I was nervous the night before but gathered my confidence and was ready to dive in. I started him on lots of liquids, had him wear underwear and had him sit on the potty about every 20 minutes. Then the next day I'd see how well he did with listening to his body and telling me when he had to go.
Day one went pretty well over all. 12 successes and 10 accidents. He was getting lots of learning opportunities and I felt like it went as expected. It was so super exhausting but I was proud of him!
Day two had about 6 successes and 10 accidents. I started wondering why on earth I got myself into this!
Day three was accidents all day long. Seriously?! No successes even though I was being SO positive, reminding him he'd get a chocolate covered rasin if he went in the potty, etc. etc. etc. I was SO broken down this day. I never got upset with him. I was only using positive re-enforcement, trying to have a smile on my face each time I was cleaning up pee and poo. We were watching potty time, we were talking about it all the time, I was with him every second so if he told me "potty" we could rush him in to go, etc. It just wasn't working! I simply wanted to give up. I was bawling and felt like such a failure. He really wasn't even to the point where he could tell me before he needed to go-he'd just say "potty" as he was peeing. I felt like from everything I read online he should be steadily making progress and it should be "clicking" by now. I just thought maybe he wasn't ready-I'd try again later. But I didn't want to send him the message that this was just a test run and since he failed we were done because Mommy couldn't handle it anymore. Darrin kept reminding me that it's an investment of time and he'd eventually get it.
Day four I made a bunch of changes because obviously what I was doing wasn't really working? I involved Parker a lot more. I thought Parker was going to be a big part of training Spencer but as it turned out, I was so focused on Spencer that he kinda just did his own thing. So, I printed off two sticker charts-one for Parker and one for Spencer and put them up on the wall right in front of the potty. I also made sure he had a selection of potty treats to choose from rather than just one kind. I was going to make a huge deal about successes (not that I wasn't doing that already-but at least now that Parker was involved I could make a huge deal when Parker went and hopefully Spencer would see how cool it was). I started having him clean up his own messes (previously I thought he was too young for this but as it turns out he did great with cleaning up. He had to take down his dirty underwear, put them in the dirty clothes, go get a rag, wipe up the mess, put that in the dirty clothes, get new underwear and put them on. In hopes that he'd realize this long process not nearly as fun as getting a sticker and treat and celebrating success!). I wasn't going to make him sit on the potty. I'd wait for him to tell me so he'd learn to listen to his body-all accidents were learning experiences. When he'd have an accident all I'd say is "uh-oh. Pee/poo goes in my potty-not in our underwear in hopes it'd click that the potty is where it belongs. I also started tracking every time he went potty in hopes to see patterns so I could more know of his schedule. I felt like it FINALLY clicked in a way and he could tell me when he needed to go BEFORE he went. We still had plenty of accidents but with the changes I made I felt like we were getting somewhere and felt some hope.
Skipping to day six-Sunday. I didn't know what to do about church. It was the first time taking him "out" of the house. I kept him with me through all meetings. As soon as we got to church I took him to the bathroom to show him that they had a potty there too! I kept saying-tell Mom or Dad when you need to go potty ok? I went in the potty at church to show him how it's done and that it wasn't scary. He went FOUR TIMES while at church!!!! I was SO SO SO proud!!! I brought 4 changes of clothes just in case but he stayed dry! NOT ONE pee accident all day Sunday! Although for some reason a couple days ago he started to only go #2 in his underwear. He wouldn't tell me when he had to go poo-just pee. So we did have a couple #2 accidents Sunday.
It's now been almost two weeks since I started with potty training. I stopped doing treats for all successes at about day six and then on about day 10 I started doing "poo treats" in hopes to encourage him to feel comfortable going #2 on the potty. The first day, the "poo treats" didn't do anything, second and third day, he went once each day (YAY!!!) and today, he went 3 times #2 successfully on the potty!!! As a side note-it's pretty common for him to go 2-3 times/day (where as many only go once). But the past few days he's been having around 3 accidents a day. It's been so so so very hard on me to come this far. Each day is an emotional rollercoaster for me. I don't know when to trust him to tell me and when to not. It kind of breaks my heart each time he has an accident since I know now that he knows the feeling of when he needs to go before he goes. So while I'm super proud and excited when he does tell me in time, when he doesn't it really gets me down despite my efforts to stay positive no matter what. I'm worn out. I'm so so tired. I have just tried to set my expectations of how long this is going to take for much longer and I am trying to stay HAPPY! I can't believe my little boy is growing up through-it's so crazy to see him in little underwear :). I'm grateful for Heaven's help that I know I've been receiving-I could not be getting through this without it! PRAYER has gotten me through the past two weeks. I know it'll get better-some things just take time. This has been a huge trial in patience. Spencer and I are going to get through this together-we're learning together and it's been great to spend so much time with him. Love you buddy-you're doing great!
